


To Want What I Can't Have

by CricketCat



Series: I Solemnly Swear... [6]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Book 6: Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Gryffindor Common Room, Half Blood Prince inspired, Harry and Hermione Half Blood Prince scene, Harry was also Lily's son, Hogwarts, Lily comforts Remus, Lily comforts Remus like Harry comforts Hermione, M/M, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Quidditch, Remus Lupin & Lily Evans Potter Friendship, Remus Lupin Loves Sirius Black, Remus hates with feelings, Remus loves Sirius, Ron and Lavender, Scene reflection, Sirius Black is a jerk in this, Sirius thinks he loves Marlene, Teen!James Potter, Teen!Lily Evans, Teen!Remus Lupin, Teen!Sirius Black, Teenage marauders, The Marauders - Freeform, Your mother was there for me at a time when no one else was, half blood prince, jily, sirius black is confused, wolfstar
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-23
Updated: 2020-06-23
Packaged: 2021-03-04 05:21:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,323
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24878374
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CricketCat/pseuds/CricketCat
Summary: After a brilliant win by the Gryffindor Quidditch team against Slytherin, a party rages in the common room with the star players, James and Sirius, leading the way to a night of drunken festivities. But Lily notices that Remus is absent and, after leaving the party, finds him in a bad place.
Relationships: Remus Lupin & Lily Evans Potter, Sirius Black & Remus Lupin, Sirius Black/Marlene McKinnon, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Series: I Solemnly Swear... [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1680025
Comments: 8
Kudos: 122





	To Want What I Can't Have

**Author's Note:**

> So this is an idea I came up with after watching Half Blood Prince again recently. There's a scene where, after the Quidditch match and Ron and Lavender get together, Harry finds Hermione upset. Harry's kindness and compassion here reminded me that he is not only James' son but Lily's too.
> 
> "Your mother was there for me at a time when no one else was..."
> 
> My Tumblr: https://www.tumblr.com/blog/themarauderssnapmap

The party was in full swing by now and pretty much everyone was drunk on either firewhiskey or adrenaline by now. Lily had already caught three first years trying to smuggle a glass of alcohol under their robes to try and eventually had to charm an age ring around the punch bowl to stop anyone underage from taking a sip. Now she lent against the back wall of the common room and watched the rest of the Gyffindors go mad, celebrating their Quidditch Team's win over Slytherin today as if they'd won the cup already. The worst were James and Sirius, both equally smashed, and were currently standing above a crowd of smitten girls all starry eyed as the two Marauders recounted their 'epic' tales. 

"Oi, Evans!" James had spotted her and beckoned her over. "Want to be the first to hear about how we defeated a dragon last year?" Several girls screamed at his words, looking equally thrilled and nervous for the story. 

"No, Potter," Lily replied dryly. "Because that story never happened."

"Oh come on, Evans," James laughed. "Don't be a party-pooper."

"I'm not," Lily said, hating how a slight blush came to her cheeks. Hopefully she could blame the heat in the room for it if anyone noticed. "I'm just saying that this isn't a campfire. It's a party. How about you actually make it one before I pass out from boredom?" For a moment, James looked positively stunned. But Lily didn't get to enjoy it for long as Sirius took that moment to burst into loud and obnoxious laughter, taking all the attention away from James and Lily's exchange. 

"She has a point, Prongs," he said. "Now, shall we get this party started or what!?" A cheer went up as Sirius began directing some sneaky fifth years to go and grab some more food and drink from the kitchens. Somehow, the music got turned up even louder and someone had even cast a charm to send fake smoke around the room, effectively turning it into a muggle nightclub within seconds. Lily rolled her eyes. Typical of Sirius and James to do this on a school night. Thanks to them, no one would get any sleep tonight. 

She turned away, ignoring James' longing look her way and grabbed a couple pieces of cake. If she was going to be here, she may as well enjoy the food while it lasted. There was nothing better than house elf cake, after all. The thought died though when she turned around from the table and found that Marlene had taken the opportunity to climb up onto the table with Sirius and start snogging him senseless right there. Everyone started whooping and whistling at the scene, egging the two on even though they were clearly drunk to the point where they'd probably wouldn't remember this in the morning. 

But someone would though.

The one person that Lily hadn't seen was Remus Lupin. She knew that Remus wasn't the party type, especially this time in the month where the full moon wasn't far behind them and Remus was still recovering from its effects. It was strange not to see him at all though, even if he was just sipping hot chocolate in the corner. But perhaps it was better that he wasn't here. Not with Sirius and Marlene snogging in the middle of the common room when it was oh so painfully obvious to Lily that Remus was more in love with Sirius than ever. 

She'd better go find him. 

Knowing that he wouldn't be in the dormitory with all of this noise, she quietly slipped out of the portrait door and made her way down the quiet corridor. As she passed the door to a spare practice room, she heard a muffled sob and froze. 

She carefully opened the door, descending down the stairs until she saw who she was looking for.

Remus was sat on the bottom step, curled up against the wall with some small transfigured birds fluttering around his head. As she approached, he looked up at her, his expression a mixture of sadness and shame. He pulled his gaze away as she sat down next to him, brushing away a few stray tears from his cheeks.

Lily hated this Remus. He was a shell of the boy she'd known last year. She couldn't remember the last time he had been part of the prank with the other Marauders or when he'd last even smiled. Full moons were getting worse by the month, each one harsher than the next and making it harder to recover from the last. Remus would never let anyone know he was suffering but Lily was perceptive when it came to her friends. His skin was pale, dark bags under his eyes from countless sleepless nights. Tremors in his hands and voice were consistent and steady. And, worst of all, he was completely and utterly broken hearted.

"What did you transfigure these from?" she asked quietly, gesturing to the birds. "They're really good."

"Just some buttons," he sniffed. "Practicing. Never know when McGonagall springs a pop quiz." She smiled faintly, nodding knowingly.

"You got that right," she said. She pursed her lips together, glancing over to him. "Are you okay, Rem?" For a moment, Remus didn't answer. He stared ahead at the birds and watched them fly about the room. Then he lent forwards, his elbows on his knees and he eyes gazing down.

"Do you know what it feels like to be a werewolf?" He said softly. Lily shook her head, because she knew no amount of books she read would ever explain the pain Remus went through every month. "Once a month, I tear myself apart in so many ways. Physically. Mentally. Emotionally. It doesn't matter to the wolf, as long as it gets what it wants. It wears you down until you finally let it break you. That's the nature of lycanthropy. I used to think that there could be nothing worse than that." He stopped, letting out an empty and humorless laugh. "How wrong I was." He turned his head to glance at Lily, vulnerability and hurt in his eyes. "I don't know what to do, Lily. I can't tell him how I feel because he'll hate me for it. But if I have to watch him with someone else, I think that will destroy me."

"Remus," Lily whispered, throwing her arms around him and drawing his face into her shoulder as he started sobbing. "I'm so sorry, Rem. There's nothing I can say that will make this better. But I promise you're not alone. We'll get you through this. I promise you." 

A door slammed open opposite them and in tumbled Marlene and Sirius, looking disheveled but giggling together loudly. "Oh," Marlene said, smile sheepishly when she spotted Lily and Remus on the steps. "Sorry, Lils. We didn't know you guys were in here. We'll just go." She took Sirius' hand and tried to pull him out the door again but Sirius held back, looking at Remus in concern. 

"You alright, Rem?" he asked, taking a step forwards. Before he could get further, Remus stood up suddenly, his hands closing into fists as his magic crackled around him in anger. The birds, which had been flying around happily, formed into a group together behind Remus and charged. Sirius cursed, ducking just in time to avoid the birds before they turned back into buttons.

"Merlin, Rem!" Sirius exclaimed. "What the hell is the matter with you?"

"Sirius," Lily said softly, standing up as Remus sank back down onto the step. "Just go. Please." Sirius didn't need to be told twice and he legged it out of the door. Lily sat down again, letting Remus' head fall back onto her shoulder and holding him as he sobbed. 

Life really hadn't been kind to Remus Lupin, she thought sadly. It hadn't been kind at all.


End file.
